I was once all alone, yet somehow fulfilled,
Now there’s a crowd, and I’m standing still,
How is it all gone, when I wanted more,
Now I seem lonelier than ever before.
“Lonelier” – JenJohnson
Inspired by Elaine Hamill
“I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security… and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it… Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good; his love endures forever.” – Jeremiah 33:6,9,11
Peace and Security.
Many think that peace is a result of security. Yet, the Lord says, he provides BOTH. We can try and try to build up security for ourselves in life. We choose the most secure job, make the most responsible decisions, avoid risks … yet, the only way we can truly have security is by giving up control of our lives to God.
I can’t believe your blessings.
I wouldn’t be able to imagine them
if you hadn’t already provided.
I can’t describe your love.
Words wouldn’t do it justice;
They are not enough.
I can’t undo your mercy.
Even if I am unworthy,
You’ve still wiped me clean.
I can’t explain your passion.
It lights me up like fire,
for all the world to see.
I can’t fathom your power.
It’s beyond any I’ve seen,
it rules over the earth.
Take me now, into your presence.
Don’t leave me be, I am meek.
Worthless outside of you;
Fulfilled in your grace.
I won’t give up.
I won’t give up.
Not on us.
Elohim, I’m still looking up.
I’ve got a lot to learn,
but I’m giving you all my love.
The road looks rough.
I’m not giving up.
Not on us.
I’ll burn like the stars.
Who am I, without you?
Learning Nothing.
No I’m not giving up.
Not on us, Elohim.
I am alive.
Steaming coffee is sipped, slowly. It fills my mouth as chocolate covered whipped cream melts on my lip. A beat fills my ears, music pouring into my soul. Written words coming to life and speaking to me, gently. I lose my breath, and my mind sours with a dream. The most fulfilling and sensual feeling on earth. Savor Life. Savor Him.
I had the urge to write this morning, but not my usual. I am happy to say I have been writing … quite a bit. I would say I’ve written over a third of my novel in these past two months and I’m still on a roll.
Yes, about 2 months and I’ve done something consistently, remained passionate about it, inspiration flowing, even throughout all my normal high’s and lows. I’m very happy with that. Normally I would look at a long spell of productivity and passionate work and chalk it up to a longer than usual high point and would expect it to end, but not this time. See, I’ve had all my normal low points the past couple months that I normally do, but I dealt with them, (with some help from my therapist) and didn’t let myself spiral because of it.
To give myself a bit more credit, here, I have also been very consistent with school for the past four months, keeping all A’s and not getting overwhelmed by it.
So in my therapy, I learned a few things about myself, and that has really helped, because, after all, it has been the confusion of ME that usually throws me in a downward spiral, wondering who I am, what I’m doing with my life and all that fun jazz. I won’t go into detail of what I learned, exactly, but I will explain a little more.
A little while ago, I looked at my plate. You know, that plate of life that we dish up and realize our eyes are bigger than our stomach??? Yeah, I was observing that plate, one night when the insomnia hit and began to panic. Normally I don’t do this, because … well, like I said … my eyes are always bigger than my stomach, so my eyes usually enjoy the sight of a full plate, until I try to put it in my stomach … metaphorically.
What got me to actually look at my plate was what I learned in therapy. As my therapist got to know me and in her eyes I went from (the girl who says she does nothing, has no reason to be on this earth, and says she feels worthless because she’s done nothing with her life) to (the girl who is really a full time mother, happily married wife, has written a novel and working on her second, while trying to publish the first, songwriter, singer starting up a worship team at her church as well as a vocal ensemble, while doing school full time to become an Illustrator, as well as currently a Youth Pastor’s wife, who kinda holds all the weight of the youth group and does all the planning and mentors young girls and looking for a full time job to plop on top of all that) …
It’s safe to say, she opened my eyes a bit, to the reality of ME.
So, you can see where my life plate comes in. As she pointed out the fact that I feel worthless and say I’m doing nothing with my life and then show’s me my plate and asks…
“How do you do all that and then come in saying you’re doing nothing with your life?”
Now we’ll skip all the therapy mumbo jumbo that got down to the bottom of why I discount most of what I do as “not real accomplishments” and get to the point. The point was me, now, staring at my plate, late in the night. Sleeping on the couch, due to the insomnia and just pondering. Now, with ADHD, both insomnia and the habit of putting far too many large projects on our plates is all very common. So, I began to freak out, a little.
What was going to happen? Was I going to let someone down? Or give up when it got too overwhelming, like usual? Or be unable to finish and hate myself for it? Would I utterly crash and burn?
I’m now looking back at that moment and staring at the same plate. With some new organizational skills, positive attitude, and my returned relationship with my maker … I’ve reorganized my plate, but it seems to be just as full. Yet, I’m not worried anymore.
I’m still succeeding at school. I’m making far more progress with my book than I have in years. I’ve actually been keeping up with my guitar, my music: Playing a few acoustic sets at an event coming up, I was featured on a guy’s rap song and it’s on iTunes, I’m slowly but surely getting the worship team up and running. I’m spending so much extra time with my daughter while I try to find a job, and trying not to panic about not being near her 24 hours a day. My marriage is blossoming. We’re handling our financial situation better than I expected and it looks like we won’t be hurting as badly as we thought. I’ve been making graphics and logos for a few different people I know. Our Youth Group is growing and improving SO much.
So, it seems, with my new time management skills and positivity, I seem to be succeeding at everything I’m doing. And, I’m learning to credit everything I do as an accomplishment, instead of only the WORLD-CHANGING things that I haven’t done yet … lol.
I’ve learned to push out other’s words of criticism if they come and watch every thought that enters my head, with my finger on the delete button, ready to replace any negative with a positive. (Thanks, Joel Osteen) 
I think that’s all for now. Stay positive, Find out who you really are, Define yourself, Don’t discredit yourself, and Enjoy life!
Hey All!!
I would apologize for being gone, but I can’t apologize for living life
So I just thought I’d stop by and give an update. I’ve been writing my novel every day, staying organized, taking care of my precious little girl, traveling, working, keeping up and GETTING A’s in school, only a couple more weeks in these 2 classes and I’ll have 3 down so far I’m learning a lot, managing my ADHD quite well and working really hard to stay positive.
I will, now, also be starting a vocal ensemble and organizing team of musicians to do worship for Sunday services and for the first time in quite a while, we have so far been able to pay all of our bills and be just fine Thank God!
SO!!!
- Music √
- Art √
- Writing √
- School √
- Family √
- Mental √
- Spiritual √
- Order √
- Financial √
Well, that’s a first. I only have God to thank. I have just been focusing on positivity, believing, spending some quality time with Him, taking my mind OFF of how to make money, and began thinking of how to be a better person. I guess, all those years ago, Mr. Polli, you were right! lol.
I’ve been doing really well lately. I’ve made sure keep from getting too enthused. It seems my moods go to the extreme, my highs are extremely high and my lows are a deep depression. Since I’ve felt as if the depression was lifting, there has been a deep urge to get over excited and enthusiastic about the things I love. Come up with ideas, start thinking of the future in positive ways, wanting to jump into projects… But I’ve learned to stop these urges and just focus on the now. I’m not allowing myself to start any projects or get hyped up or create a grandeur plan for my future.
I’m simply taking my life one day at a time. Focusing on my current school assignment, taking care of my daughter, keeping my house in order, and finding small things to do to either get out of the house, or to feed my need for stimulus, while not over-indulging.
It has been hard, though. All it takes is seeing a commercial of someone with a really cool career, or listening to the radio and wondering how the talk-show host got where they’re at, or watching a movie to see someone doing something fabulous with their life and my mind begins to drift. I find myself longing for achievement, something big, accomplishment, a career or even to go out and do something crazy.
It feels almost unfair that I can’t go out and take on the world, but… I guess, knowing that it’s all in my head and that until I learn to control my high’s and low’s, I will never accomplish anything anyways, does help.
I’m the queen of wanting to figure everything out, all at once and go DO something. I have to face the terrible truth that I CAN’T figure it all out. I don’t even NEED to figure it all out. I just need take it one day at a time.
So, Tomorrow is Saturday. I’ll plan to do something crazy and spontaneous with my family to release that desire to take on life, and go back to a week of online school.
I’m taking a step backward this very moment, finding myself getting so completely lost in the future. I feel home, there. I feel safe, there. What is this present I know nothing about? My body dwells, but my mind knows nothing about. It’s a foreign land.
Without engulfing your present, the only memories you’re left with are unattained plans of the future… I’m left untouched by life.
I don’t want that. Or maybe I am realizing that I shouldn’t want that. My present should be everything. I envy those with such colorful memories of happiness, sadness and so full of life experiences. All I have are dreams. Dreams I will never attain without having a firm grasp on this present reality.
How do I pull myself out of my future’s mind? How do I see and acknowledge what I feel in the now? The now is so scary to me, for it holds only reality. Reality can be scary, but it can also be liberating. I want to embrace it, I must embrace it.
Today is about now.
I do realize I’ve been blogging about once a week, now… and it’s not intentional. I’ll explain, but I think I’ll start back at the beginning of this lost journey that cycled around a few weeks ago.
It hit hard, as it always does. I fought valiantly, this time, awaiting its attack, but it seems I lost the battle once again. I can’t control the surrender, no matter how determined I am before it’s ever in sight. I’m left defeated and lost, stumbling around in the darkness.
Depression. What hurts most is I have so much to rejoice over, so… why does it always prevail over me? Why does it keep coming after me, when I’m so engulfed in happiness? Shouldn’t joy overpower sadness? I suppose, not always, otherwise I would not be so trapped. I didn’t give in so easily this time. I was prepared for it, even. Blogging, writing and singing to push past it. I felt it loom over as it always does. I can’t say exactly how long it takes to take over, or how long it lasts. But those times of excitement, joy, enthusiasm, and inspiration go on as if planned for a few months, or a few weeks, and then it happens. Suddenly, I wake up and wonder why I was doing what I was, why I thought what I did, why something inspired me… because, now it does not.
In fact, nothing does. No inspiration, no enthusiasm. Only frustration, agitation, apathy, negativity, and sadness. I’m thankful, for I have something holding me back from complete and utter hopelessness. I have a beautiful family that I love dearly, that keeps me hanging on and keeps a smile on my face between the frustration and the confusion.
But this cycle must end… This is no way to live. There’s so many gifts inside me, I have so much I want to share with the world. As long as I’m in between depression, I have so much to offer and so much love and inspiration to teach and express. So, this led me on my search. Searching for an explanation as to why I was attempting to go about my normal routine, needing to make cold calls or research or write something… and I had nothing within me. In fact I would rather be doing anything else.
I got utterly frustrated and threw in the towel. How could I go from such an extreme enthusiasm to sudden emptiness? Then I realized that no matter how much I stared at the computer, and how much I faked it, it wouldn’t solve the issue that I had nothing left in me to write about, not one bit of interest in me to even see the point in carrying on toward my dream. If it even was, in fact, my dream.
This led to a week on the couch, wallowing, angry, confused… like usual, wondering what in hell I was even doing with my life?
I started researching about the brain and becoming interested in what I found. I figured out some way to improve brain function, watched an inspirational movie, tried to simply DO something. It made improvement, but the depression still remained. It lifted enough to make the decision that I needed to talk to someone about what was going on with me. I finally decided that merely pretending an issue isn’t there won’t make it disappear.
Things didn’t begin to “click” and I didn’t even consider the word depression until I talked to a therapist and went through a few assessments. Moderate depression… and ADD. Then everything began to come together. In all honesty I had never even known much about ADD. I knew many mood disorders and I had heard of ADD, known some people with it, but I never really researched it or even knew what sort of affect it had on people… on me.
Suddenly everything made sense.
Going head-on with multiple “big” scale projects. Start a non-profit. Start a freelance writing business. The list goes on. Getting overwhelmed with these projects and inability to follow-through. Low tolerance for frustration, getting frustrated really easily and snapping. Constant stressing. Constantly disorganized (no matter how much I love organizing, it doesn’t mean that I actually am). My house is always unorganized and a mess, and I am always left feeling incompetent. I’m very impulsive with activities and vocally. Constant sense of under achievement. Chronic procrastination. Always on the search for something engaging, something to stimulate me. ( like no joke). I literally freak out when I’m bored, I feel like I’m going crazy. I get so distracted so easily… like, just because I’m looking at you does not in ANY way mean that I’m listening. It’s like I drift in and out of conversations or directions or while reading. I can read something a thousand times and I still can’t force myself to know what I read. Very creative and intuitive.
The list goes on… Impatient, Serious worry issues, insecurity, mood swings, restlessness. And, it’s very important never to self-diagnose oneself, so if you think it might be you and it’s actually affecting your daily life, please go see someone. The point here is, I’ve dealt with this most of my life. I would say things that just kind of jumped out of my mouth as a kid and hurt people, or got in serious trouble for it. I had to try so hard in school just to get the grades that other people got easily, not because I wasn’t smart, but because concentration, organization and following instructions was difficult for me. I have always just felt as if I’m not achieving enough, I’m doing enough, not good enough. I remember, now, being a teenager and thinking something was wrong with me because I’d get so INTO a project I made for myself and wanting it to be a lifestyle, and I would just simply stop after a certain amount of time doing it consistently. This repeated itself so often that I would get angry at it.
And apparently this cycle has not stopped. It turns out, the main reason this condition has gotten so bad to where the depression is worse and worse each time is because I’m so isolated right now. I watch my daughter all day, don’t have a car to keep with me, and most importantly, I’m not involved in anything. Yes, I go to church, but all my life, I’ve been involved in something with friends. Either, school, a play, choir, church or all of the above. Now… lonely housework and the company of an amazing 14mo old in between naps. I leave the house about 2 times a week.
You see, going around feeling inept, unable to accomplish or follow through and all the other effects of ADD and not knowing why or that it might be ADD… in my therapists opinion might be why I keep getting hit with depression, and it’s so bad due to the isolation. SO, I’m working on it, following my homework. But, I guess a big thing with ADD is that you focus on little steps, because people with ADD have the tendency to make everything big. Big scale, long-term, big goals, big dreams… which for most people aren’t bad… but they can overwhelm someone with ADD. So, I am not allowed to “decide” right now, I’m cutting off all “life-long” plans or “ideas”. I’m just focusing on my schooling an my individual classes. Which makes sense. I was doing GREAT with blogging when I was focussing on the next 10 days, only. When someone mentioned I should do it for a YEAR, and then I say, well yeah, that’s the plan… suddenly I couldn’t even do it one day at a time. It was too overwhelming and frustrating. One day at a time.
So, that about sums it up. That’s where I’m at. That’s what’s been going on. I’m thankful to be finding answers that are helping me realize that it may not be that I’m inept. There might truly be something in my brain that’s wired differently that most people’s. And if I can figure out how to work with it, then hey… as my husband says, I’ll be “unstoppable”.
So in all the darkness… there’s hope.
